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Lauren and Tom were married at the English Manor in Ocean, NJ, on the Saturday of what had been an incredibly rainy and dreary week. But, thankfully, the clouds stayed away, and we could have the ceremony in the beautiful gardens out back.
Lauren and Tom have a really incredible Love Story – they met in their English class, their freshman year of high school – and for Tom, it was love at first sight. He has been in love with her from the moment he met her. They were friends in high school, and then lost touch after graduation. When their ten year high school reunion rolled around – Tom had no intention of going. But he decided to look up the one person he wished was still in his life – and found Lauren. How sweet is that!
It is so obvious to anyone who meets Lauren and Tom how freaking in love they are. In fact, that's one of the requests Tom put in his homework – “If they remember one thing for the rest of their lives I want them to remember that at least once in their lives they saw two people who defined love.”
They wrote their own vows, and we also incorporated a handfasting, where they repeated vows while bound together.
When you're choosing an officiant (be it hiring a wonderful celebrant, or asking a dear friend or family member to lead your ceremony), it's important to make sure that they can legally officiate your marriage.
Case in point: when my mom and stepdad got married (ten years ago this November!), my stepdad was in charge of finding the rabbi. They met with him once before hand, and my stepdad decided that he was the one! When he showed up for the wedding - well, we're pretty sure he had been drinking. During the ceremony, he went on and on about my parent's May/December romance (uhm.. they're less than five years apart!), and was just generally strange.
A sweet beginning to the ceremony.. walking my mom down the aisle.
My mom says that immediately after the ceremony, she and my stepfather retreated to a room to be by themselves for the yichud, a Jewish tradition. The rabbi knocked on the door and asked them for the check! “Made out to Cash, please,” he also asked.
Before we met to discuss their ceremony, Sarah sent me a basic outline that included the elements and people that she and John knew they wanted to include in their ceremony. I melded this with my basic outline for structure, and so, going into our first meeting, I had a very good idea of what their ceremony was going to be like.
Here is the outline Sarah sent me:
Processional.
Circle of Love:
The bride & groom's siblings and their family members will walk down the aisle, and place a flower along the edge of the circle, forming a Circle of Love that the couple will be married in.
Groom will enter with his parents.
Bride will enter with her parents.
Welcome Message.
Readings.
Three total.
Tree Planting Ceremony.
Blessing & Exchange of Rings.
Closing Remarks, Declaration of Marriage, & Kiss!
And here's the outline that I brought to our meeting:
Meet Sarah and John.
They're getting married at the Chesterwood Estate & Museum in Stockbridge, MA, in July (take a moment to check out their venue - isn't it cool?).
I always say that the coolest people find me and ask me to lead their wedding ceremonies - and Sarah and John are no exception. In fact, I found Sarah - she's a pretty awesome photographer, and I contacted her about photographing my wedding in October of 2010.
We met in January, and discussed weddings - both of ours (that's the celebrant in me, I guess, even when I'm supposed to be talking about my own wedding, I need to know about other bride's ceremonies!). She and her fiance had a lot of really cool ideas of different rituals, ceremonies, and traditions to incorporate into their wedding, and it sounded like their wedding was going to be a blast!
So, a few months later, my fiance and I had decided that Sarah is the one to photograph our wedding. And then I get an email from her, asking me to officiate her wedding! I didn't have to hesitate before absolutely saying yes!
Many of my couples, who are getting married in the summer and fall of 2009, have requested handfastings!
If you're not familiar with handfasting – it's quite literally, “tying the knot.” Though “handfasting” is often used in Pagan circles as the term for the entire wedding ceremony, the handfasting I'm referring to is a unity ritual, often going after the ring vows and before the closing of the ceremony. The couple takes hands (like they're shaking hands – right into right and left into left). Their hands are then wrapped with a cord, symbolizing the joining of their lives and hearts. Each wrap represents a step towards complete commitment to each other. At the end, the couple remains there, for a moment, and then the cord is removed before the end of the ceremony.
When I meet with couples, one of the first things I ask when we're going over ceremony structure is whether they plan to write their own vows. Sometimes, I get a lukewarm response – “Well…maybe.” After some questions, and a few suggestions, I usually get it out of them – they would like to have original and different vows, but don't want them to specifically be vows that they've written.
During my time as a Celebrant, I've culled a huge file of wedding vows – some original that I've borrowed from couples, some I've found in books or on the Internet, and some I've written myself. I present these to my couples as a jumping off point – a source of inspiration to begin to think about possibly creating their own vows. I find that often people will find vows they just love and edit them slightly to work for their situation.
Another idea that may work if you're looking for slightly different vows – find out what vows your parents used in their wedding ceremony. Some brides and grooms like the idea of using traditional vows, because they are the same words that people have used for generations when they married – the whole tradition of the ceremony itself. If you're planning an interfaith or multi-faith wedding, you may be able to find wedding vows that are traditional to the specific religion you'd like to honor.
Retta & Jack chose the same vows but chose not to say them. I read them aloud, and they agreed to them with “I do”
By popular demand, here it is – Basic Wedding Ceremony Structure 101.
This is the bare bones outline that I use when I'm working with couples to write their wedding ceremony. In our first meeting, I take it out, talk through it, explain the significance and meaning between the various rituals and traditions, answer lots of questions and ask some of my own. From the basic outline, we dive into the whole world of wedding ceremonies – but having that nice firm diving board in the ceremony structure really helps to prepare and better understand where we're going. As I like to say – we can add anything in, we can take anything out. But I find that sticking to the basic structure helps your guests “follow along” a little more easily, and not get lost in a more unusual ceremony.
This is what works for me – definitely check with the state you are getting married in to make sure that you include any legal requirements for a wedding (in some states, at one point, the bride and groom need to verbally agree to be married (the I Do's), and there may be specific wording that your officiant will have to use to declare you married). Take from it what you need, and leave the rest out – when it comes down to it – this is your wedding after all!
I don't do a lot of weddings that include all of these – three full readings, three plus rituals – it's much more of a guide than a list of things you need to include.
If anyone has any questions please post them in the comments! I'll be sure to answer them there, so we can all share from each other’s ideas!
Wedding Ceremony Structure 101
Welcoming of the Guests
I enter, usually as the first person in the processional, or I am already standing at the front. I thank everyone for joining us, and ask them to turn off their cell phones!
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I went down to the Abraham Staats House, in South Bound Brook, New Jersey, to officiate the wedding of Stephanie and Gordon. (You may remember their awesome wedding invitations!) They were married in this amazing historic home, built circa 1740. The Staats House doesn't normally do weddings, but for Stephanie and Gordon (two history buffs and members of the Friends of the Abraham Staats House) they were able to pull it off!
I've noticed in my Google stats that I get an awful lot of hits for “Eclectic Wedding Readings” - so I thought I should try to help those Google-ing brides out by sharing some of my favorite places to find awesome readings for your wedding. You can always check out my post on incorporating readings into your ceremony, as well, if you're not sure where to stick that fabulous reading you have to have into your ceremony!
My go-to wedding reading depositories are this Offbeat Bride post and this thread on Indie Bride. They both take a little bit of digging, but it's worth the effort. For some more “traditional” ideas check out Wedding Yellow Pages or Today's Weddings.
Also, look to your favorite books - maybe a book you've both enjoyed or a poet or artist that you admire. And don't think that the readings all have to be about love! Look for other wedding themes such as commitment, togetherness or anything else that really represents what you want your wedding to reflect.
As you browse the internet, combing through pages and pages of readings, here's a suggestion - start a Google Notebook to collect your “clippings.” Kind of like an easily maintained internet scrapbook, you can copy and post love quotes, poetry and readings you are considering into it, as well as links (for when you find a good site of readings you may want to share). I have a Google Notebook I use to collect wedding readings and quotes that I may want to use at a later point. I also like that you can make the notebook public to share with anyone you'd like.
So, “Eclectic Wedding Reading” searchers, I hope this helps you out. Best of luck on your wedding journey!
The strong connection we can have with words is amazing. I'm a deep lover of words. I collect poems and quotes and firmly believe in their power to uplift and inspire. Incorporating someone else's words, a favorite piece of poetry or selection from a novel is a great way to personalize your ceremony, as well as imbue it with that wonderful feeling and strong emotion that only well-written words can instill.
When I'm writing a wedding ceremony and want to include someone else's words, the first thing I think about is, “What is the theme of this wedding?”
Finding Words to Fit Inspiration
I'm not just considering the actual theme of the wedding, as the bride and groom have set forth (like Autumn, Rock & Roll, Vintage Glam, Renaissance, Literature), but the direction that I see the ceremony going in. I consider the relationship of the couple, their love story and sense of humor.
For example, I officiated a wedding that took place in the couple's backyard. This couple was all about family, and focused on turning their house into a home for their family. I immediately jumped online and began searching to find some quotes that I could use in their ceremony. And I found the perfect quote!
As someone once said, “It takes hands to build a house, but only hearts can build a home.” Tom and Jeannie have opened their hearts not only to each other, but to everyone in their lives. This love is what makes their house into a home.
I always ask my couples who their favorite artists, performers, authors and heroes are. This gives me another jump-off point to find beautiful words that really fit well with the rest of the ceremony.
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